You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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