Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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