Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
