Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
