Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
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Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
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Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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