I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
