You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
