New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
