I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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