Barsexuality is the new black.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
