while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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