i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
