she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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