apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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