I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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