I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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