We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
