Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
