...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
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as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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