I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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