Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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