i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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