Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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