I wannas sexs uuuuu
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
