Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
