Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
