I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
