New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Boobs speak an international language.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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