Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I need to stop coming to work sober
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
