I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
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I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
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We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
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