Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
