The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
