I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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