he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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