I hate all girls vehemently.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
