thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
