My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
