goodnight i made you a song goodbye
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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