I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
40s are totally the cure
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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