come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
