yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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