I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
