i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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