At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I touched a dick in church today
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
