Ambien. No doubt about it.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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