He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
