I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
