i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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