sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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