Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
