I am spending my child support on dildos
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
