Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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