i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
